Hmm, beberapa hari ini setiap pulang kerja rasanya lelah sekali, betis udah nyut-nyutan mungkin karena masih kaget baru mulai diajak jalan lagi pulang pergi ke tempat kerja, ga jauh sih, hanya sekitar 1km dari rumah, ditambah ngelewatin tangga penyebrangan halte Ahmad Yani (By Pass). Heuu, heran deh, dulu saya bisa kok tiap hari jalan kaki, kurang lebih 2 tahun. Baru setahun terakhir juga mulai jadi anak angkot, whats? ngga kerasa udah 3 tahun lebih saya di Jakarta ya, time flies~

Tapi kali ini bukan cerita tentang kaki saya yang masih suka kemeng meski udah dilaburi minyak tawon, tapi, tentang hal lain yang belakangan ini fillin' my head. Something, or.. someone in my mind. Not a singer, but a person like an actor, literally actor sih. Wait, no. not about the person, but what he said to me. As you know, i've been dealing with bad times this few weeks and i'm still trying to be okay, to be just fine for everything happen in my life. And i thank God, for let me face my problems in a very good way. I am still stand up right, i'm still smiling and have the postive vibes. But, the difference is.. i became more silent. 

At first, i do show more about my condition, i tell everyone so they can say the real things to me, keep telling me the truth, that it was real, bcz at first, i can hardly believe what already happened at that time. I was so confused as hell, and i couldn't tell if its reality or was it just a bad dream. But thank God, now i can, and brave enough to accept it all as a part of my story. But, i keep it only in my first circle. Well, i could say that i'm pretty insecure about this. Glad to have story control and close friends features on instagram, while WhatsApp also have status privacy setting. Indeed, i only share my private things to my circle, and i am really be careful of this.

Now, i just wanna share some little things in my mind. It is hard for me to accept all the questions, just a simple question but hurt me a lot. I know i shouldn't be too sensitive, but at that time, it seems very hard while they always ask too much private things. I'm trying to stay the same, to be as usual as i can, but end up like it was calculated and become a small volcano in my head. I had anxiety dan depression, slowly.

I just want to open up things, i've been keep for all this time of my life, but still haven't find the right person i guess, even the phsycologist, i cannot trust'em all. I dont like to be anyone's object. Wait, but not about my story here, only what i've learn that i wanna share. For a long time, i just keep my story on my own, literally, in my head.. *nyampah di pikiran dan di hati* until someone tell me this  :

"Tapi jika tidak ditulis, mungkin hari ini kita gak akan mendapati indahnya lirik Al I'tiraf.. Tetaplah menulis, namun jangan sampai tulisanmu itu mengurangi bisikankmu ke bumi yang menembus langit."

Means, i should still writing, but don't decrease our prayer. It hits me deep. Then i'm saying to myself to keep writing no matter what, even just left on my notes. But it means a lot. Because, yes, it becomes like a trauma healing for me. To control my emotion or my needs to talk to someone when there's no one to talk with. Or, simply i dont want people know.

He said, as long as what you write is meaningful for you and useful for others, keep writing and the main imprtant thing is.. it something that could make you get closer to Allah.

Now, i'm making some draft, re-open my writing here and there and pick some draft that i would bring up to my page. I think tomorrow i have a day off, should publish one or two things which loud enough in my mind.

Thanks.